Breadcrumbs...

I’m not an expert. I’ve never claimed to be an expert. In fact, I’m willing to bet that most experts are aware that someone else out there in this vast ocean of people is more knowledgeable than they are in any given field. I’m a worship leader by trade. That doesn’t mean, and should never mean that I’m closer to God or in tune with the heart of God. Well, not necessarily. Obviously, I’m a worship leader and must, therefore, have some form of more intimate knowledge if I am leading people into worship. However, we are all worshippers. We are all ministers. The fact that I’m a worship leader by trade is that I was (I’d like to use the word lucky here, but hard-nosers would remind me I’m blessed) blessed/lucky enough to be one of the few that God chose to make a living of bringing people to the place I’ve been with God. There’s the catch about being the expert. Your experience and knowledge can never stop growing. I can’t just decide to point people to God, one day. I have to bring them along to where I’ve been. Which means? Yep. You got it. I’ve got to be continually growing in my relationship with Christ. I’ve…never...arrived…

My job is not to be a signpost pointing to where God is, my calling is to leave breadcrumbs for people to follow, holding their hand if it’s needed.

Listening...

I’ve got nothing to say today. My blog was started with the intent to let you into the not-so-typical mind of a minster. The fact of the matter is, most ministers will be the first to admit that we’re normal people. We struggle. We fail. We doubt. We’re in the spotlight often, and so when you hear of a pastor or minister failing, it’s normally a huge fall or a publically humiliating situation. I’ve heard of ministers having affairs, embezzling money, getting caught in inappropriate relationships that aren’t actual affairs. I’ve even heard of pastors who decided everything they believed wasn’t true and walked away from God entirely. Just because you don’t hear of any of the ministers you know personally or that you follow falling from Grace, don’t think they don’t fail. That’s a mistake that puts unnecessary stress and strain on your ministers and minister friends. It’s unfair because when (not if) they disappoint you, if you’ve set them up on some above-average-people pedestal you’ll be shaken at their lack of super-human ability.

Let me tell you why it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. I’ve had nothing to say. I’ve wanted to only write when God shows me something super-amazing as opposed to just letting you know the little things that go on. That’s going to change. For one thing, I’ve not spent the time with Christ that I’ve wanted to. No, it’s not about doing stuff so God likes me, but in relationship I want to spend time with him, instead of running from him. That’s a huge change from my relationship prior to his change in my heart several months ago. I used to hide from him for weeks on end. Now, I’m allowing business to keep me from him, not a lack of desire. I desire God. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to be able to write that and it not be some sentimental gush. It’s finally truth. If it shocks you to think that I’ve had doubts about God or that I have never truly wanted him until now, and I’ve been a minister for 2+ years, then you’ve set me up on a pedestal. I struggle. I doubt. I worry. Boy, do I worry. Man, do I ever worry. In fact, I’ll take up that topic again soon. I just wanted to let you know I’m still here, God still speaks, and now I’m listening.

The airing of the Fears

About a week and a half ago, a thought came across my mind that requires absolute honesty. I think we have all dealt this this thought, but few of us have taken the time to entertain it, chew on it, and mull it over because it scares us to death! The thought is this; somewhere, in the back of our minds, we are fearful that if God wouldn't spare his own son, why would he spare me? Jesus was perfect and yet he was brutally tortured and murdered. I am far from perfect, much less decent, on my own accord, and deserve far worse. why would this loving God not spare his own son, yet would love me?

See, we are far beyond thankful for Jesus' sacrifice and the relationship it brings. But somewhere in my mind, (a dark recess, no doubt; one I refuse to allow myself to think on) I fear that if this great, almighty, "loving" God would sacrifice his one and only son (even if it was for my sake, in redemption of our relationship) he wouldn't waste any time in sacrificing me for any slight reason. I'm not talking about a physical killing-off, as it were, merely a tossing-to-the-trash-heap-like-a-high-school-romance king of thing. It's silly, I know, but a genuine fear from the deep cavities of a mind warped by fear and sin. But, if Jesus were to get rid of me out of anger, spite or mistrust, it would fly in the face of his own sacrifice to win me back in the first place. Why would God go to such great lengths to restore our relationship only to destroy me or abandon me? But somewhere inside of me is a scared little boy hoping he's good enough to still be allowed to hang around.

I'm painfully aware of the fact that I have a strong personality. I'm an encyclopedia of ridiculous and unnecessary facts, and I love to talk with anyone and everyone. I know I can seem overbearing, and I worry all the time that I'm getting on people's nerves. I've had friendships for long periods of time, only to find out they found it agonizing to be around me at all. I'm sure we've all felt that way at least once. I know it's also happened for me (and I'm probably not alone) that I've done something or experienced something that was amazing to me or that I'm very proud of only to discover that others find it mediocre at best, and, at worst, stupid. I've known those that no matter what story, experience or creation you bring to the table, theirs is better. Living in that muck from day to day is tiring, frustrating and discouraging. Pretty soon, you're afraid of being yourself; gun-shy of being confident in your abilities. People mistake your pride in the talents God has given you for arrogance, and now you're afraid to share what God has put in you.

That kind of social conditioning trains us to believe that God is the same way. He isn't, though. He is, instead, like the mother whose daughter brings her a bouquet of fresh-picked weeds. The mother doesn't scold the child for bringing her worthless, parasitic plants, but puts them in a crystal vase in the picture window or the dinner table, proudly displaying the priceless, beautiful gift. In and of themselves, the weeds are ugly, unwanted things, but the love of a daughter for her mother is expressed, and that's what's important. Only self-centered, spoiled brats care more about the gift than the giver. God doesn't require you to be the best. He doesn't even require you to be your best. (Think on that for a second! He doesn't require you to be your best because your best isn't good enough!) He just wants you. Scars, wounds, limping, bruises, all of you. He loves YOU.

God, I know your son had to die to restore our relationship. I know you didn't send him as punishment or because you were mad at him, but because you loved your creation so much that you'll stop at nothing to get at me, and show me your love.

Dad told me a story of an earthquake halfway around the world. It struck in the middle of the day and among the damage, an elementary school was leveled, trapping children inside. After digging in the area, rescue crews deemed it too unstable and dangerous to continue, but one father kept digging in the rubble with his bare hands, despite the risk. He was told to give up, but he wouldn't quit. After 2 days, he broke through into a chamber in the wreckage where his son and 30 classmates were still alive. The boy beamed at him, shouting, "I told them you'd find me! They said their dads would give up, but I knew you'd save me!" God risked everything by loving us. The fickle, adulterous people we are. He has fallen madly in love with us and will stop at nothing to restore us...

I knew you'd come for me...